I am putting this website together so family and friends can remember Christopher, my son. My world was turned upside down on May 22, 2009.
My son, Christopher or as must people would call him Topher. He hung himself in his machine shed on May 22, 2009 and then was freed of his pain on July 28, 2009.
This online memorial was created in loving memory of Christopher Van Buren, whose life story is throughout this memorial website.
Please sign Christopher's guestbook and let us know you came to visit. We will remember Christopher forever.
Chris taken around 2007
"Free At Last"
I want to play and soar and dream. Fly above the fields until I am free. No pain, no sorrow and no fear. Can touch me now that I am here. Breathe in the breeze and feel the sun, across my face, I run and run!!
I play and laugh among the trees. Alive! Alive! I breathe! I breathe! With legs so strong, I run so fast; The world just smiles as I go past. Sweet laughter bubbles up inside, for freedom long denied, denied.
No tears, no pain, remembered here, I've been released from all my fears, To run and laugh until the day when all bad things have passed away.
Chris taken around 2008
"Where My Son Is At Rest"
God looked around his garden and found an empty place. He then looked down upon the earth and saw my son's tired face.
He put his arms around my son
and lifted him up to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful;
He always takes the very best.He knew my son was suffering,
and that he was in pain.
My son knew that he would never
get well here on earth.
My son saw that the road was getting rough,
and the hills were hard to climb.
My son closed his weary eyelids
and whispered "Peace be thine".
My heart was broken to lose him,
but I know my son didn't go alone.
Part of all my families love went with my son
the day God called him home.
I know my son is home in glory
and the angels are watching over him.
The love in my heart will always be
connected to my son.
God knows what is best for all of us
and we have to rest in His judgement.
Chris and his wife Jodi taken 2008
What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks
Hello old friend, Oh yes you know I lost my child a while ago. No, no please Don’t look away And change the subject It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel, It took so long, but now it’s real. I hurt so much inside you see I need to talk, Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long, And people said, “My, She is so strong.” They did not know I couldn’t feel, My broken heart made all unreal. But then one day, as I awoke I clutched my chest, began to choke, Such a scream, such a wail, Broke from me.. My child! My child! The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see, everyone except for me. Now, when I need friends most of all, Between us there now stands a wall. My pain is more than they can bear, When I mention my child, I see their blank stare. “But I thought you were over it,” Their eyes seem to say, No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”. But inside I am crying, as I turn away. And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile, As I have from the start, You never knowing all the while, All I’ve just said to you in my heart.
Chris around 2004
We are connected, my child and I,
by an invisible cord, not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord, that connects us 'til birth.
This cord can't be seen by anyone on earth.
This cord does it's work right fron the start.
It binds us together attached to my heart.
I know that it's there, though no one can see,
the invisible cord from my child to me.
The strength of this cord is hard to describe,
it can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord man could create.
It withstands the test and can hold any weight.
Though you are gone and not here with me,
The cord is still there but no one can see.
It pulls at my heart, I am bruised, I am sore.
But this cord is my lifeline as never before.
I am thankful that God connects us this way.
A mother and child, nothing can take it away.
"Ask My Mom How She Is"
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies.
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is,
And because she cant explain,
She will tell a little lie,
Because she cant explain the pain.
Ask My Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth please tell me,
Why does she cry each night?
Ask My Mom how she is.
“I’m fine. I’m well. I’m coping”
For God’s sake Mom, just tell the truth.
Tell them your heart is broken.
She’ll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She’ll lie and say she’s fine.
I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don’t listen
Just hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say, “you’re lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you’ve told!”
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No women deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger women. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a women who has lost a child.
"Time Does Not Bring Relief"
Time does not bring relief; you all have lied. Who told me time would ease me of my pain! I miss him in the weeping of the rain; I want him at the shrinking of the tide; The old snows melt from every mountain side, and last year's leaves are smoke in every lane; But last year bitter loving must remain.
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide. There are a hundred places where I fear to go- so with his memory they brim. And entering with relief some quiet place where never fell his foot or shone his face. I say, 'There is no memory of him here!' and so stand stricken, so remembering him.
"Don't Tell Me"
Please don't tell me you know how I feel, unless you have lost your child too.
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal. Because that is just not true.
Please don't tell me my son is in better place. Though it is true. I want him here with me. Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face. Beyond today I cannot see.
Don't tell me it is time to move on, because I cannot.
Don't tell me to face that fact he is gone, because denial is something I can't stop.
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had, because I wanted more.
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad. I'll never be as I was before.
What you can tell me is you will be here foe me. That you will listen when I talk of my child.
You can share with me my precious memories. You can even cry with me for awhile.
And please don't hesitate to say his name, because it is something I long to hear everyday.
Friend please realize that I can never be the same, but if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become.